Repeat.

I have just purchased an exercise bike.

Here we go again, right?

I’m trying to take small steps to improve my general attitude towards life and towards myself. I’m a very negative person and I didn’t grow up that way.

Yes, my Mum left when I was young and yes my Dad wasn’t exactly a parental influence and yes I was bullied as a child etc etc. But what are these? They’re not reasons to hate my life or hate myself or lose all faith in being able to achieve anything or make it anywhere.

I’m going to a drama club later, that I used to be a part of and loved. I stopped because I had an old boyfriend and I was young and more concerned about that than keeping my own hobbies. I love being on the stage, but I know I’d be very aware of the way I look now, whereas before I didn’t care, get me dressed up in anything and put me in front of an audience – love it.

I have a problem with my food and my attitude to it and I am just getting bigger and bigger. In the last two years I have gone up two dress sizes, slowly but surely I am getting somewhere I never ever wanted to be, or thought I would be. I suppose it was a slight arrogance because until about the age of 18/19 I had a very good metabolism and ate and ate and ate…

I’m not 18 anymore, I’m nearly 27 and I don’t have that metabolism and I have just gotten lazy and fat. It is habit to come home and eat some chocolate and some crisps, have a big meal and then eat pudding and sweets all night.

I could sit here and list all of the things I do I know I shouldn’t and all of the reasons I want to lose the weight.

But at the end of the day – I just need to fucking do it.

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