Does my bum look big in this? Or, my ongoing battle with self esteem.

For as long as I can remember I’ve had this issue with my appearance. It mostly stems from being bullied in school and constantly comparing myself to everyone around me. 

No matter who they were, or where they came from, they had something I didn’t. They were prettier, thinner, more talented, richer, had nicer eyes, nicer legs… whatever. It was all better than me. 

Every friend I’ve ever had, I’ve hated in some respect. I’ve hated their perfect smile, their tiny waist, their flawless skin. 

For years I’ve looked at other people and burned in my very veins because I just can’t match up. My heroine is JK Rowling and I even hate her a little bit. She came from nothing and got everything she wanted and I hate her for getting there. 

I have such an obsession with other people’s stomachs. My life has been plagued by bad skin, wonky teeth and a wobbly belly. Until I was sixteen, I was taller than all of my friends and so skinny that clothes just hung off me, I was gangly and it was something else for the bullies to call me out on.

But now, nine years later it’s all caught up with me. I don’t have that wonderful metabolism my Father so kindly gave to me, it’s been snatched away and I’m left with an ever increasing tightening of all of my clothes around my hips. 

I’ve always pushed it away by saying it’s what that other person has, but I’m okay. And I have a boyfriend now, which is something I haven’t had in the longest time. And so it’s so easy to push it to the back of my mind, because he loves me, and I can pretend my belly isn’t hanging over my jeans because he still wants to have sex with me. I can eat chocolate and sweets and cake and pasta at midnight because he does, so it’s okay. 

I ignore that he’s over six foot and built like a rugby player and can eat twenty four hours a day without adding a single bloody ounce. 

My problem is that I have zero self discipline when it comes to anything. I can’t make myself stick to anything. I’ll eat well for a couple days, I’ll go for a couple jogs, and then before I know it I’m back eating brownies and muffins and pizza and not moving from my bed all day. 

Today I put on a pair of shorts that I’ve owned for years. They were comfortable before. They were baggy around my thighs. But today? Today they hurt. They rubbed on my skin and were tight on my legs. And walking home I caught sight of myself in a shop window and wanted to cry. I was, I am disgusted with what I’ve become. And I know I have absolutely nobody to blame but myself. I am the one who has sat and stuffed my face. I’m the one who stopped my gym membership. I’m the one who sits in night after night and eats fatty, sugary foods and drinks fizzy drinks. I’m the one sat here almost in tears because of how much it bothers me.

Yet I’m the one who came home and ate another brownie. I shoved it down like it didn’t matter. And I’m fuming with myself because I did so. 

Why, when I know how important this is to me, why can’t I stick to sorting it out? I’m not huge, it wouldn’t take a massive amount of time to lose it. And yet I don’t? 

I’ve spoken with a good friend about wanting to write, but not bothering because I’m scared I’ll fail, I’m scared I won’t be good enough. 

Is it the same with this? Do I just not bother because I’m scared I still won’t like me when I lose weight? Will I still be an insecure little mess? Will I just find something else to hate about myself?

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5 thoughts on “Does my bum look big in this? Or, my ongoing battle with self esteem.

  1. Honestly, I could’ve written this myself. I’ve always been the same, looking at other girls and emulating them, envying them and annoyed that I didn’t look like them. I didn’t talk to girls at school, and even now, I feel judged by them and feel much more comfortable in the presence of a boy. Even now.

    Recently I’ve even been hating myself, because I see pictures of myself when I was 16, 18, 20, and I hated myself then like I hate myself now. But how? I still wore body con dresses? And now I’m 2 sizes bigger and wish I just appreciated, fully, what the hell I had, because it wasn’t that bad. But now I’m wearing size 16 bottoms and just like you, I broke down the other day, in a bloody changing room as a dress was baggy over my top half yes too tight to pass my hips. How cliche, crying to myself in a changing room, when did it ever get to this?
    I do find myself, even now, thinking about the things I was bullied about. The hair on my upper lip which I now wax, my big elf ears, and my ‘child bearing hips.’ Gah.

    And I suppose we’re both comfortable now, with boyfriends who claim to like the wobbly bits and all that. Well, I have no motivation either, I can’t stick to anything, and I’m the most ironic physiotherapist ever, I’m unfit. Really, unfit. Today I saw a stroke patient who’s heart recovery rate was 400% better than mine, and his resting heart rate was 30 beats below mine. Wow. Kick in the teeth. And I’m giving HIM exercises?! Honestly though its nice to read of someone who’s in exactly the same place of me. I don’t feel like I’m fat per se, just that I’ve massively let go. Wouldn’t take long to shake, yet I just want another 5 choux buns, thanks.

    Also, another thing is when people assume that I’m so sure of myself because I blog and post pictures of myself. Yeah, some of those pictures look decent, but they’re the pick of a bunch, and its easy to choose how to paint yourself online. It doesn’t mean I don’t find myself driving, squeezing my rolls as I sing along, or sit staring in the mirror wondering what the feck happened. Hell, I don’t even understand it myself, really. I just hate when people assume I’m vain and want to be the centre of attention, when really, I can’t think of anything worse

    Lorra love chicken, hope you’re okay. We should do something together! Online motivation yo!

    Sarah x
    fridayisforeverblog.com

    • It’s so hard when you’re the image of confidence outside, for people to see you as anything close to what we really feel.

      I would, and have always, thought of you as someone strong and beautiful and confident in her own body. I admire your style and adore your face.

      Thank you for such a comforting comment.
      x

  2. Change is certainly something you have to be in the right state of mind to do, and do it for the right reasons. I was always pretty stubborn in terms of not wanting to force myself to lose weight just because I was being bullied and felt I needed to ‘fit in’ etc, you know? I really just wanted to get to the point where actually, I’m quite comfortable with myself, and that I wanted to do it FOR myself and no one else. That’s really where you have to be to make it a healthy life decision.

    There’s never a guarantee that it’ll fix everything. Even the skinniest of people have their insecurities and all of that. No one is perfect though, and that’s what you have to remember. You have to be as comfortable with yourself as possible, but accept that you’re never going to be 100% happy with yourself. I’m not sure anyone is.

    I still have a long way to go with my own development and I struggle with the time to do stuff about it etc. I’m always so tired after work and need the downtime mentally, rather than going to the gym etc. So I do have my own battles to fight but hopefully I’ll find a way in the end, and I know you’re strong enough to do it too. It’s just about finding what works best for you, and you might fail 10 times before you find something but that doesn’t matter. It’s the trying that matters, the willingness to move forward and at least see if there’s something you can do.

    For what it’s worth, you’ve always been one of the most genuine, caring and reliable people I’ve known over the years, and that counts for more than however skinny your thighs are or whatever else. Not that I have ever thought you were anything other than beautiful inside AND out. But what I think or someone else thinks doesn’t matter, because we all still have those insecurities. If change is truly what you want, then you have to be your own driving force and find SOMETHING that will inspire you to stick to it. I know you will eventually.

    Just don’t let future potential self-doubt stop you. That’s never a reason to not at least try. The possibility of success is just as great as failure.. x

    • You’ve always had such a way with words. And you’re the biggest inspiration when it comes to this sort of thing. (No pun intended!)

      You’re right, it doesn’t matter what other people think, even though I’m touched, if you don’t believe it yourself, you can’t believe it from anyone else.

      I know. I know future me is an ass for scaring me, and that future me will hate me for not trying. I need to get over that stupid fear, and if a friend was telling me this, I’d tell them what you told me.

      Sigh. x

      • That’s always the worst thing – being able to talk complete sense to others, yet never ever listening to your own advice. Believe me, I’m exactly the same. It just makes a difference to hear it from someone else I think, yet at the same time you need it to come from yourself to actually work. It’s a damn evil conundrum. One day you’ll wake up, find something that clicks and works, and you’ll wonder why you ever struggled in the first place x

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